A Dangerous Leap Page 9

  She’d loved racing him, and it had hurt when he started refusing, but like their mother, he was too competitive to let someone else win. Especially when she’d been eight years his junior.

  “Where were you stationed before moving here?” Brendan asked. He looked up from cutting Collin’s roast into bite-sized pieces.

  Kelly grinned. “Kodiak, Alaska. One of the most coveted Coast Guard assignments for a rescue swimmer.” And because she’d proven herself there, she’d found the “family” she craved. She’d been one of the best of the best, one reason Joe’s contempt hurt so much. She didn’t like being the odd one out.

  “Wow, did ya see polar bears?” Collin asked.

  “Honey, don’t talk with your mouth full,” Penny chided softly.

  Obviously Collin liked animals more than water or helicopters. “Yep, from an airplane, but the best place for critters was St. Paul Island, Alaska. They have thousands of fur seals there. We’d go out and watch them from special blinds set up to hide us. The blue fox there is very tame too. And our station had a cat for a mascot that looked a lot like your kitty.”

  Collin’s eyes lit up. “Really?” He turned to his mother. “Can we go to Laska?”

  “Wait a minute. You did a LORAN station tour in St. Paul Island?” Ian asked.

  “Isn’t that the place you said you’d never go?” Brendan offered with a wink to Kelly.

  “Why, is it really bad up there?” Penny asked.

  “No.”

  “Yes,” Ian said over Kelly’s reply.

  Penny looked amused. “Why do you think it’s so bad?”

  “Well, first of all, you’re stuck there for a solid year with no family, a bunch of guys you’ll come to hate, and it’s colder than a witch’s t—uh, tail.”

  Brendan laughed at his brother’s almost PG-13 gaffe. Kelly liked the way the two brothers interacted. It seemed so, well, normal.

  “Kelly, what’s it really like,” Penny asked, ignoring her husband’s laughter.

  “Well, you’re there for a solid year with no family, with a bunch of guys you come to hate,” she mimicked. “No, really it’s kind of fun. We did lots of hiking, and winter camping, and they have a special program with the local school to help the students. That was really nice. But it is a long cold winter, no doubt about that. You really count the hours till the C-130 crew comes in from Kodiak, because seeing new faces every three weeks becomes a major high point.”

  Penny raised her eyebrows. “And they let women serve there with the men?”

  “Oh, yeah. I can’t think of a single job a woman could be excluded from in the Coast Guard. There were four of us when I was up there.”

  “Would you go back?” Brendan asked. He gave Ian a funny look Kelly couldn’t decipher.

  “Kodiak, in a heartbeat. St. Paul Island, only to visit. They don’t do rescues from there, and I missed swimming too much. I’d never go back to a job that eliminated what I do best.”

  The mood around the table seemed to change. Talk about the baby’s upcoming birth, how much Penny was looking forward to having a little girl, and the boys’ antics continued during the rest of dinner. But Kelly couldn’t shake the idea that she’d somehow disappointed Ian or his family. She just didn’t know what she’d said or done to change their attitude toward her.

  Chapter Six

  Kelly sat on Collin’s bed, reading a story as he fought to keep his eyes open. Riley had succumbed to sleep twenty minutes earlier, but Collin was hanging tough. She admired his tenacity.

  “Collin, sweetie, it’s way past your bedtime. Tell Kelly good night,” Penny said softly as his eyelids fluttered again. She chuckled as she smoothed dark hair back from his brow.

  Just that quick, he fell asleep, looking small and unbearably vulnerable.

  “You’re a natural with children,” Penny told Kelly as she led her from the boy’s room.

  Bitter pain severed the longing that had been building all evening as surely as any cleaver. “I love them as long as they belong to someone else,” she said with forced lightness. Suddenly uncomfortable, Kelly wanted to go home. She didn’t want any more reminders of all she’d lost when her own marriage had failed. She’d learned to compensate for feeling inadequate and out of place around real families by concentrating on her Coast Guard career. Motherhood did not come naturally to her, but saving lives did.

  It would just have to be enough.

  “Oh, come on. Surely you want children of your own someday,” Penny said as they walked into the den where Ian and Brendan stood talking. She rubbed her swollen tummy with a look of pure contentment.

  Now Kelly fervently wished she’d refused Ian’s invitation. “No, actually, having children isn’t an option for me.”

  Penny’s shocked expression slipped into embarrassment and she quickly pulled Kelly into an awkward hug. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—never mind.”

  Desperate to leave and unwilling to make believe any longer, Kelly hid her feelings behind an artificial grin. “I have an early training session in the morning and need to call it an evening.” She held her hand out to Penny. “Thank you for a lovely dinner, Penny. You’re a wonderful cook and have two delightful little boys.”

  “I’m just glad you and Ian are together. You’re good for him, really good,” she said softly in Kelly’s ear.

  Confused by Penny’s words, Kelly said her goodbye to Brendan and ignored Ian’s questioning look. Maybe she’d claim a headache; one seemed to be building at the back of her head like a summer squall.

  Once she settled into Ian’s car, Penny’s odd comment suddenly made sense. She sagged against the seat and groaned softly. Dammit, Penny thought Kelly’s statement meant she physically couldn’t have children.

  The sad reality was Kelly feared having a child more than anything she’d ever faced during a rescue mission. She knew how to guard against physical threats—but she didn’t have a clue how to protect her heart from the pain a baby could inflict. Or the emptiness its loss could create.

  * * *

  Ian, still reeling from Kelly’s off-hand remark to Penny, drove on automatic. Her expression, the one she’d shown before she’d recovered from Penny’s comment about having children, had been one of pure grief. That damn plastic smile she’d pasted on hadn’t fooled any of them, least of all him.

  Emotions he couldn’t identify threatened his equilibrium, making him question his feelings for Kelly. That made him angry—first with her, for making him fall in love, then with himself for being so damn shallow.

  They didn’t speak on the long drive to the marina. When he pulled into the parking lot Kelly took the initiative by claiming a headache, preventing any awkward words. The mood had fallen so flat he had a hard time remembering his earlier excitement at seeing her in that red dress.

  She’d opened the car door and started to step out when he grabbed her hand, stopping her. “Kelly, wait. Look, I don’t really understand what happened tonight, but I do know we need to talk.”

  She sat stiffly, half in and half out of his car. “I really don’t feel up to it right now, okay?”

  “Sure.” He added a quick kiss, forestalling the protest she appeared ready to launch. She didn’t kiss him back, and when she tugged her hand he let her go. He sat staring at the walkway long after her hurried steps had carried her from his sight.

  The future he’d envisioned had always included a wife and kids. He blew out a disgusted breath. Hell, did those unborn children mean so much to him that he’d contemplate a future without Kelly? He slammed his hand across the steering wheel. Jesus, he was such an idiot.

  These days, there were all kinds of options for children. Hell, whatever they decided, they’d make it work together. Because no matter what their future might be, he wasn’t ready to call it quits on the only woman he’d
ever loved.

  * * *

  Tears built up behind her eyes, but Kelly refused to let them fall. She stopped along the walkway and slipped her sandals off and breathed in the warm salt air. It cleared some of the sadness that had settled around her when Riley had opened the door to greet his favorite uncle.

  The planks felt damp against her bare feet. Sounds of sail rigging clanked and boat lines creaked as their floating charges bobbed in the water. The familiarity of it all soothed her bruised heart. She had a good life, she had no reason to regret the choices she’d made. If Ian didn’t like it, he could go back to Heather.

  Her breath hitched in her throat. She’d just gotten used to having Ian around. She wasn’t ready to give him up. But if it came to that, there’d be no tears, and no foolish begging. This time she wouldn’t make any desperate admissions of love.

  She continued to her boat, her steps slow and measured. Tomorrow would take care of itself, tonight she’d lie on the bow of the boat and watch the stars drift overhead. Maybe she’d let Mizzen join her—that way she wouldn’t feel quite so lonely. Or alone.

  A Benny Goodman tune drifted over from the Bluewater boat at the end of the pier. The retired couple dancing on the aft deck, moved with matched steps. The scene sparked a memory of Kelly’s parents.

  She must have been nine or ten, Matt just off to college in the States. They’d been living in the Pacific, one or the other of her parents just back from temporary duty, and the sound of music had awakened her in the middle of the night. She’d found them dancing in the miniscule living room, their bodies swaying rhythmically to the sad wail of a saxophone. Oddly enough, the scene had filled her with dread.

  Kelly contemplated her long-ago reaction as she boarded her boat. Why in the world had such a romantic scene shaken her so badly that she’d cried herself to sleep?

  Mizzen greeted her with a meow when she opened the hatch. “Hey Miz, don’t trip me,” she said as she padded down the carpeted steps of the companionway into the dark cabin. Caution, and experience, made her balance on one foot while sweeping the other side to side in front of her. She encountered a furry lump in the middle of the floor. Of course, Mizzen preferred being the center of everything. Even if it meant getting stepped on.

  “Your plan to cause me grave bodily harm failed, catzoid,” she said. She pushed the protesting cat out of her way with a bare foot and switched the light on in the galley.

  Not bothering to turn on any other lights, Kelly went straight to the forward stateroom and dropped her sandals on the floor. She yanked her dress over her head, trying hard not to think of the silly excited mood she’d been in when she’d pulled it on.

  The sudden sway of the boat made her whirl around, the dress clutched to her chest, her heart jumping wildly against her ribcage. Someone had stepped onto the stern.

  “Kelly?” Ian’s voice called softly. She heard a tentative tap on the hatch before it opened.

  Frozen in place, she watched as he descended the steps, his expression making her wish for things she couldn’t have. Things she knew she shouldn’t even want. Things she didn’t deserve.

  “I’m sorry, but leaving you didn’t feel right.” He stopped about two feet away and shoved his hands into his pockets, his eyes searching her face.

  “Are you mad at me?” he asked.

  She shook her head.

  “Is your headache that bad?”

  “No.” His presence was already working its magic on her, drawing her in, making her believe.

  “We don’t have to talk, but God, I do need to touch you,” he said and stepped forward.

  His hands skimmed down her arms leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake. Whether it was weakness, stupidity, or a combination of both, she didn’t have any defense against him. She let him gather her to his chest where she felt his heart beating in a life-affirming rhythm. Dammit, she wanted him, why did she have to make it any more complicated than that?

  Kelly looked up at Ian and let go of her dress. The material whispered past her bare thighs on its way to the floor. Ian’s pupils dilated, darkening his eyes to midnight blue. She slid her palms up his chest, part of her still amazed she could spark desire in a man like him.

  “Kel, you do things to me that I don’t understand.” He lowered his head and kissed her. His lips, at first hard and demanding, softened to a gentle caress. “Make love to me,” he whispered.

  He picked her up and eased her onto the bed, his body hovering over hers. The heat and weight of him a soothing promise. “Let me love you.”

  For a moment, she let herself believe he really could do just that.

  * * *

  Tonight was different. Tonight, Ian allowed his love to show. In the careful way he slipped off her remaining clothes, the slow strokes of his hands across the silk of her skin. Tonight would be all about love, not just sex.

  He stripped and joined her on the bed. Kelly, for once, didn’t try to take control. Her eyes, looking black in the dim light, were unguarded. He saw her vulnerability—her uncertainty.

  And hated the thought that he might have caused it, no matter how blindly.

  She reached up and touched his mouth with her fingertips. “Don’t frown,” she said.

  Her smile was tentative at best. He took her fingers and kissed each in turn. Her breath hitched and her eyes filled.

  “Let’s pretend this is forever,” she said softly. She slipped her arms around his neck and drew his lips down to hers on a sigh.

  She opened her mouth to his tongue, and pressed her breasts against his chest. Her hard little nipples sent jolts of desire to his groin. Sucking her bottom lip into his mouth, he nipped it lightly between his teeth, then soothed it lavishly with his tongue.

  Kelly writhed, wrapping her arms and legs around him, urging him to complete their union.

  “No, not yet,” he breathed into her ear, tracing the outside ridge with his tongue before delving inside. A shiver rippled over her, tightening her nipples even more, driving him closer to the edge.

  Hell, maybe neither one of them was in control.

  He untangled her arms from around his neck and pinned them to the bed above her head with one hand. Then with slow, deliberate licks and nibbles, he kissed his way along her jaw, down the thin column of her neck, making a slight detour at the apex of her collarbones, and all along her sternum. Ah, decision time—go left or right?

  By now Kelly’s squirming had aroused him as much as the visual banquet of her perfect breasts, their dusky tips begging to be sucked.

  “If you don’t make up your mind,” Kelly said in a husky voice, her threat unspoken but evident in the maneuvering of her hips.

  Ian glanced up at her face. Her cheeks were flushed, her lips parted, her eyes glazed with unmistakable hunger. How the hell did he think he could live without her?

  With only a quick look to verify his target, he flicked his tongue over first one, then the other nipple. Her eyes closed and she whimpered while moving her hips in a damn effective way.

  He growled low in his throat. “Uh-uh, not yet—jeez, Kelly, cut that out.” She’d managed to shift in such a way he was damn near inside her. “Honey, I don’t have a condom on yet.”

  “Then get one. Now,” she demanded.

  “No, dammit, first I’m going to do this.” He unhooked her legs from around his waist and rolled away. Before she could move, he locked her down with his arms and hands and attacked her nipples with his tongue and lips. Even as she bucked her hips against him, she shrieked with laughter.

  God, how could he not love her?

  * * *

  Kelly vowed revenge as she submitted to Ian’s sexual torture. Her plotting took a detour when his fingers sought a particularly needy spot. Oh, my—

  The climax hit her hard, tearing a cry from her very h
eart. Opening her eyes, she saw a worried blue gaze hovering over her.

  “God, Kel. You scare the hell out of me when you do that.”

  She smiled weakly, her body drained of all energy. “You’re the one pushing the buttons.” She widened her eyes. “Wow, is that the infamous G spot?”

  The corner of his mouth kicked up in a smug look of satisfaction. “Lovemaking 101—Basic Anatomy.”

  “Got any other tricks you can teach me?” she asked, reaching up to touch his face.

  His smile faded and his expression turned serious. Kelly’s chest tightened, restricting her breathing.

  “Yeah, but it might take a lifetime. Think you’re up for the challenge?” he said softly.

  She stiffened. He couldn’t mean—no, she couldn’t allow herself to believe he meant anything permanent—if she was wrong it would destroy her.

  “Don’t look so panicked.” He rolled to his side and propped his head on his hand. “Kelly, honey, I love you.”

  She couldn’t say anything for the wild thudding of her heart. A few seconds passed before calm returned along with her sanity. He didn’t mean the ever-after kind of love. She knew guys threw those words around like beads at Mardi Gras.

  His sigh broke the momentary spell his declaration had woven around her and she tried to smile. He didn’t have to know she’d never heard “I love you” before—she did have her pride.

  “I can tell by your skeptical expression you don’t believe me.” He shifted again, balling a pillow up and tucking it under his arm.

  “I think you have this backward. You’re supposed to say that to get me into bed with you—not after the fact,” she said, attempting to lighten the mood that threatened to smother her.

  “So what do I need to do to convince you I’m serious?”

  How had they gotten sidetracked from great sex to a talk about love? The whole thing felt like some kind of weird role reversal. Kelly sat up and folded her legs Indian style, slapping a pillow onto her lap. “Why does it matter what I think?”

  She rolled her eyes at Ian—his gaze was stuck at chest level. “Hello? I’m up here.”